Heading in a New Direction

23 Lizard in Bisbee Arizona

Threatened © 2011 Bo Mackison

Let go of the need for perfection – perfection bought at a high cost. Embrace imperfection, acknowledge mistakes, claim the lessons they provide. Embrace change.   ~ Bo Mackison

I’ve had an on and off affair with the label “mental illness” — a label that defined me for many years.

I hated it; I needed it.
I pushed it away; I pulled it close.

That label deprived me of the basic experiences of choosing life and living it fully; it also allowed me to abdicate taking full responsibility for my life and the choices I made.

Behaviors, lived over years, became habits. They settled deep within me:

  • as a child when I developed highly creative but pathological methods for body, mind, and soul survival
  • as an adult while I was in the throes of deep depressions and slow recoveries,
  • while I was fighting demons from my childhood,  searching musty rooms in my mind with a dimly flickering match light.

Defenses and behaviors I erected as walls of protection were no longer functional, viable, needed, wanted. Yet, it was what I understood.

I had to let go so I could grab onto a better way. Caught in the pause between the two trapeze bars, I was  dangling in a mighty discomfiting place.

Eventually I understood that letting go of the behaviors that mark even a functional mental illness would grace me with freedoms I wanted, but hadn’t fully experienced:

  • not as a child in a puzzling environment
  • not as an adolescent who carried demons in her hand luggage wherever she wandered
  • not as an adult trying to function in the challenging world of careers and marriage-with-children, while burying the past and eventually losing the ability to even acknowledge it
  • not as a woman in the prime-time of her life who suddenly crashed head-long into reality, suffered a total collapse, and a crushing breakdown.

I worked for years to repair my body and mind; I worked even harder to repair my spirit.

Living under the shadow of the statement “I had a mental breakdown” provides a certain cover. Even after the initial stages, after in depth therapy spanning two decades, and after reclaiming a life of wholeness, doubt lingers and unwelcome questions pop up.

There is the voice that harbors deep in my sub-conscience, occasionally breaking through to my awareness. It questions my actions, my motives, my plans, my challenges, my courage, my decisions, my art, my life. It questions my EVERYTHING.

I must then re-affirm my strength, stand on firm ground, and repeat:

  • I am responsible for my thoughts, my words, my actions.
  • There is no one else to blame for my failures, short-comings, errors in judgement.
  • I take full ownership of my mistakes and claim them,  but I also claim the lessons these mistakes teach.
  • This is  no excuse living.

It is hard, excruciatingly so as times. It is necessary. It is the only way.

Because as long as I blamed the past for mistakes I made in the present, as long as I didn’t acknowledge the mistakes and accept them for what they were, I did not learn the lessons. I had an excuse to push away change and healing.

——-

Why am I writing about this? Because during the years I focused on creating photography for public display, photographs for art shows and festivals, photographs for art centers and museum shows. I also created photography and other art as a process for healing.

Creative activities are healing. I use art and nature as components of my healing practice. I want to share my art and my story with you, my dear readers.

————–

Bo Mackison is a photographer and owner of Seeded Earth Studio LLC.  This is the first photograph in a series of twelve.

Dahlia, Oh Dahlia

Dahlia, Oh Dahlia

Dahlia, Oh Dahlia © 2012 Bo Mackison

It began in mystery, and it will end in mystery, but what a savage and beautiful country lies in between. ~ Diane Ackerman

Dahlias are my favorite flower to shoot. When I find a dahlia I love, I usually return a dozen times so I can capture the dahlia in its many stages, from bud to petals scattered on the garden earth. But when a dahlia I fall in love with is in a garden 200 miles from my home, I can’t visit over and over. The next best thing? Take an hour’s worth of photos in this patch of dahlias, every angle, in diffused light, in sun patches. Blowing in the breeze, and captured in a still air.

After I processed with photograph by de-saturating the colors, I could only look at the giant photo on my computer screen and think, “Dahlia, oh dahlia!” I’m in awe of this beautiful flower.

———————

 

Bo Mackison is a photographer and the owner of Seeded Earth Studio LLC. She is busy at work, finishing a few new photographs to bring to the Third Ward Art Festival in Milwaukee, Wisconsin this coming weekend. More info to follow.

Boardwalk to the Beach

Beach Boardwalk

Beach Boardwalk © 2012 Bo Mackison

An early morning walk is a blessing for the whole day. ~ Henry David Thoreau

What a thrill to watch as the sun rises over Lake Michigan. And then another thrill – equally as amazing – when I turn away from the sun, and see the sunlight’s effect on everything within my view.

This photo was taken just north of Bailey’s Harbor, a small village in Door County, Wisconsin. The boardwalk is lined with snow fence for the summer as a beach grass re-introduction project is kept protected from the many feet of the beach visitors. The snow fence, a rather mobile fencing structure, always provides wonderful opportunities for photography. I am especially thrilled with the zig zag lines on the wobbly fence as the day’s sun lifts from the eastern horizon, and swathes the worn fence in deep golden tones.

—————-

Bo Mackison is a photographer and the owner of Seeded Earth Studio LLC. Bo is now home, and looking through the many photographs she took on her weekend trip to one of Wisconsin’s finest Vacationlands, Door County.

Door’s Open to Adventure

Evening Time

Door's Open © 2012 Bo Mackison

Art is alive. It puts energy into the world…as an artist, respect your art and think not only of success but of your mission to provide opportunities for your art to grow and expand and touch the hearts of others. ~ Lisa Jill Allison from “Art from the Heart

ART SHOWS — PART I

I’ve been doing art fairs and festivals on a frequent basis since June, 2010.

In 2010, I did about 10 shows. All of the shows were small shows in the Wisconsin/Illinois. Sherpa accompanied me to all the shows and did most of the work in the earliest shows. I have painful memories of my first show – an non-juried show at a smaller university in Wisconsin. I was in such a state of panic that I sat about 50 feet behind the booth, perhaps whimpering a bit, while Sherpa stayed in the booth and talked to the few customers that wandered in. The show did not have much fine art, but it did have stenciled skeleton tee shirts and crocheted Barbie clothes and anthropomorphic ceramic turtles wearing ballet costumes, firemen outfits and such. Even though the mark was not high, I could not quite reach it — I was out of my league, even at this level. I wondered how I would ever be successful in the art show business.

The rest of the 2010 shows were not quite so disastrous, though I never really was comfortable in the booth by myself. If Sherpa was not available, one of my kids who were in college would help me out. We made it through the first full year, and decided we had learned a lot in a year and we would continue.

And so I continued my on the job training in 2011. I also moved up in the art fair world and applied to many shows that were well-juried and had a national reputation.And I even got accepted into some of these top notch art festivals.

I did a couple of shows in Spring 2011 in Arizona, but I still had a fair amount of trepidation and depended on Sherpa for set up and company. In the summer we did 12 shows, including four area shows, but mostly I did shows in the Chicago/Michigan area. By August, I had mostly conquered my fear of “being an artist” and talking about my photography with strangers.

I could, and did, do artist talks about my photography and what it was like being an artist on the art fair circuit. I had stuck my head of my introverted shell and found the world to be a rather nice place.

My two Holiday shows in 2011 were my best shows ever, and I did much of the set up and some of the booth time solo. Sherpa or one of my kids never left me on my own for long, though, which was fine with me.

And so I began the 2012 season with two big shows scheduled in Arizona. No problem. Sherpa and I drove the car and art trailer to the Tucson area in November and flew home after getting settled in our new condo. I flew back to Arizona after the winter holidays. Sherpa planned to fly out a few weeks later for the first show.

These plans were carved in stone as far as I was concerned. Carved deeply in stone.

And then Sherpa became involved in a difficult problem at work. The figuring-out-a-solution job quickly took precedence over Sherpa’s visit to Tucson.

Here I was, 1,000 miles from any family members who I could call on for an art fair fill-in. The only solution at this end was for me to do the show on my own. I would have to drive to the show, set-up of the booth, and do at least the first two days of the five day show by myself. Sherpa thought he could come in for the long weekend, but there were no promises.

I’d already plunked down my booth fee, I had my art in Tucson, and I was in Tucson. There really were no other alternatives. I needed to set up my booth for the festival and do the show by myself.

This was new territory. Scary territory. I wasn’t sure I could manage. I was, in fact, quite certain I could NOT manage. But even in the art show business the motto is “the show must go on” and so I started planning in small steps.

How would I make the transition from Bo doing weekend art shows with Sherpa’s support to Bo doing weekend art shows solo?

Tune in tomorrow for Part II for the next part of the story.

——————–

Bo Mackison is a photographer and owner of Seeded Earth Studio LLC. Bo is discovering that every day provides opportunities to learn new and amazing things.