Writing Practices

Failed Relationships – How to Survive and Then Thrive

February 10, 2014 by Bo Mackison 9 Comments

Knowledge is learning something new every day. Wisdom is letting go of something every day. ~ Zen Saying

I sometimes rehash the rupture of a treasured relationship.

I still see this person on occasion. And the conversations on these occasions often include barely concealed criticisms – and I choose to take those wounding words to heart. I accept them. I own them as truths. With pain and shame and thoughts of “what could have been, if only I had . . .”.

These infrequent contacts lead to intense shame — it’s all my fault, I should have ____ (fill in the blank). Why am I so crazy, intense, sensitive, blind to my own faults? I engage in obsessive thinking, sleepless nights. I indulge in over-reaction.

I know this is not the preferred reaction, the healthy reaction, the reaction based on self-love. I know it is not about me, and yet I once again swallow the hook, line and sinker. And the worm, too. Don’t forget the wriggling worm.

This morning I read a blog post on Susan Piver’s website entitled Buddhism and Heartbreak: How to Heal and Live in Love. Every word struck a chord. In fact there were so many striking chords, it sounded like a symphony chiming in my head.

Susan wrote of three ways of addressing failed relationships, all reasonable and doable, and although they require persistence and awareness, they also offer a way to refocus and return to full life living. I read Susan’s blog post carefully, took notes on how I could adapt her wisdom into my routine, and then I decided they were worth sharing. Surely I am not the only one who gets embroiled in haunting, failed relationships. So here is my take on Susan Piver’s thoughts on relationships.

1. Assert control over monkey mind.

Instead of trying to devise ways to change what has already happened, or embarking on a “program of change so I will magically become acceptable,” I can choose to practice feeling what I feel. Not only during my timed meditation practice, but throughout the day. And at night, too, when dreams and thoughts of failure awaken me from my sleep.

As Susan Piver explains, sitting with the feelings, as in the Buddhist tradition, is a “more expeditious way of metabolizing sorrow”. The pain does not disappear, but at least there is the offer of healing and moving on.

Along with meditation, I find it helpful to journal and create art dealing with the experience of “feeling the feelings”.

2. See the pain of the lost relationship as a lesson in attaining wisdom.

Even Susan admits this can seem ludicrous. There are constant reminders of what used to be; there are glimpses of what might have been. There is magical thinking; there are comparisons. There is loss.

A visit to a special garden, a place of shared memories, evokes feelings. A favorite book evokes feelings. A restaurant, a work of art, a song on the radio – these all evoke feelings. Long after the ending of the relationship.

I can allow these feelings to evolve into feelings of unworthiness, sadness, longing. Or . . . I can steer these feelings into a practice of openness and the opportunity to offer loving kindness to others.

That is the key — not how do I replace love lost, but how do I send love out into the world.

Susan promises — yes, she uses the word promise — that when one gives to others, the effects of loving kindness rebound and heal the self, too. She also reminds us not to take her word for it, but to try it out, and see the results. Yes, indeed!

3. Accept that all is impermanent and that life is change.

This is the hard part. All relationships are in flux. Living a full life is living with constant change. Susan advises “letting heartbreak transform one into a warrior god/goddess”. Know that every relationship is impermanent, but is also precious and worthy, a life-sustaining source of learning and connection.

Here is the important part. Be willing to love anyway, accepting the possibility of loss, taking the chance to love and connect. Risking all, because of the preciousness of love. As Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote in his poem In Memoriam, composed in 1850:

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Filed Under: Art of Healing, Writing Practices Tagged With: Buddhist philosophy, change, relationships, Susan Piver

Beginning to Blossom – A Lesson from the Desert

February 8, 2014 by Bo Mackison 3 Comments

Barely Blooming - Ocotillo in the Sonoran Desert

Usually, when the distractions of daily life deplete our energy, the first thing we eliminate is the thing we need the most: quiet, reflective time. Time to dream, time to contemplate what’s working and what’s not, so that we can make changes for the better. ~ Sarah Ban Breathnach

I go to the desert. Walking in the canyon, deeper into the wilderness, away from the few others who are also roaming the desert. I sit on a rock outcropping, settle into the earth. Before I take photographs, I take the time to contemplate my surroundings. It is winter in the desert, there is little color in the desert. Only a few blossoms, the earliest flowers, add a touch of color to a world of muted greens and grays. The time of first awakenings. It is during this time of contemplation that I discover not only the essence of place, but also my place.

Filed Under: Nature Explorations, Writing Practices Tagged With: "Essence of Place", Arizona, blossom, contemplation, ocotillo, Sonoran Desert

Writing Your Life Story Part 11: Travel and Memoir

February 3, 2014 by Bo Mackison 1 Comment

Travel is on my mind.

Recently I’ve been consulting maps, researching places to visit, adding up miles for potential drives, and making camping reservations in parks throughout the American West. And last year I traveled over 5,000 miles and visited a twenty National Parks. So it is no wonder that travel would show up in a memoir project.

Travel memoirs come in all sizes and shapes.

A weekend exploring the jazz scene in the big city. A week rafting the Grand Canyon with fellow adventurers. A month touring wine country in Italy and learning the trade from vintners. All kinds of travel can provide moments worth writing about, worth capturing for posterity.

I have found in the past, though, that trying to recall travel memories can be unexpectedly difficult. After taking long vacations each year with my family for nearly a decade, our itineraries seemed to be hopeless puzzles. We had lots of memories, but often we remembered events and places differently, or not at all.

A few years ago I decided to begin taking notes during my trip for future reference, but I knew I’d sometimes not have time or inclination to write in a daily travel journal. Still, I needed a routine.

I came up with various techniques for documenting where I go and what I do when traveling.

Here are a few techniques to try:

I discovered, while driving cross-country, we had many questions about the areas we drove through, but we would forget to look up the answers. Once I realized this, I found an easy solution. I purchased an up to date atlas when we took trips involving lots of driving time and destinations. As I checked directions and followed the map, I wrote any questions we asked on the map itself. When we had questions about the Nebraska Sandhills, I wrote our questions near the sandhills location on the map. When we wanted to know the difference between a wash and an arroyo, I wrote the question in the margin of the Arizona state map.

All of the questions were in one easy, accessible place, and once we returned home, we spent an evening looking up the answers on the internet. And as an added bonus, we answered the questions on the map, and added the annotated map to out vacation memorabilia.

It is also easy to highlight your route in the atlas or on a map with a bright-colored marker, add dates, even write notes about campgrounds, hotels, restaurants, tours, museums, parks, etc.

When traveling, tour brochures or city guides are easy to collect, but also easy to misplace. I now pack an empty tote bag, and whenever we pick up information, the travel papers all go in one place. Not only is there less clutter, but all the information is in one place when we arrive home. Then it is easy to refer to the various maps and guides when I need information at a later time.

I take photos of information signs, hotel and restaurant names, and other interpretive signs. Since I always carry a camera, especially on hikes or tours, I find this an easy way to capture names, places, and information I might otherwise forget.

Travel adds a special dimension to our lives, but with new activities and sights packed into a short time, it is easy to forget the details.

Taking a few moments to jot down new information on a map, collect brochures, or photograph important signs will give you plenty of memory joggers when it is time to capture your experiences in writing.

Filed Under: Travel, Writing Practices Tagged With: collecting travel memories, memoir writing, travel memoirs

Even a Pretty Fence is Still a Fence

January 28, 2014 by Bo Mackison 5 Comments

Fear is the highest fence. ~ Dudley Nichols

There was a time I thought that fences kept people safe.

Fences also kept gardens safe from critters and animals safe from speeding cars traveling too fast on highways.

Then I listened to a woman who had moved from New York to a rural area in southeast Arizona. She was lamenting the cussedness of birds determined to feed from her green garden. That, despite the wire fences she had installed around the garden perimeter and the netting she had arched from the top of the fence – a roof of sorts – over her tempting vegetables.

I turned away to study the art in the gallery. I couldn’t help but smile as she told of the thieving Gambel’s Quails’ and Roadrunners’ antics as they dined four times a day, courtesy of her bountiful garden.

I imagined the birds’ antics as she described them in detail. “The quails fly straight up like a helicopter, then they squeeze between the wire fence and the netting, and land in the midst of the luscious greens.” She described how the roadrunners were the sneakiest trespassers of all, but their antics to get into this Fort Knox style vegetable garden surpassed my understanding.

However, the ex-Manhattan-stock-broker-turned-country-vegetable-gardener, apparently knew the secrets of those ransacking roadrunners who watched her from mid-garden as they nibbled their lunch, waiting until she was just close enough with a broom before disappearing.

Did the birds have no fear? Just instincts, determination, and a plan?

I wish I had been able to follow all the details, because I wanted to hear about the birds’ escapes. I’m not privy to how these intelligent birds had a their own passport to the private garden. But they apparently they had at least an equivalent.

There are few fences on the open range, even when roads pass through. There are cautionary signs — “Range Animals. Be Aware.” I seldom see an animal venture on the back roads I travel. They are in the thorn scrub and grasslands, eating whatever they can find. They don’t graze on dirt roads. I have seen cattle amble across a road, but never linger. Better to walk amidst the grasses and eat while roaming the scrub.

Perhaps I don’t need the fences I erect around myself to keep safe, either.

It feels better to have free range and not be cooped up in an imaginary safe place. After all, even surrounded by the best of fences, those that want to get in — quails and roadrunners, for example — have their ways.

And now back to the quote that started me thinking about fences on this clear morning in southern Arizona.

Fear is the highest fence. ~ Dudley Nichols

Filed Under: Writing Practices Tagged With: Arizona, fear, fence, metaphor

Writing Your Life Story Part 10: Harmony – A Memoir Writing Prompt

January 27, 2014 by Bo Mackison 2 Comments

There are times when writing is like singing a favorite song — the pen can barely keep up with the hand as words fly onto the paper.

But at other times, writing is more akin to singing a dirge — thoughts come slowly, none of the words make sense, and the writing rhythm gets lost before the first sentences are recorded. When writing becomes work instead of fun, I often search for a word in the dictionary to get me started – a habit I learned from a high school English teacher.

As I was considering a list of ideas for the Memoir Project, each idea took off but then sputtered to the ground. I decided I needed a prompt to get me started. I looked in the dictionary and chose the word harmony.

Here are a several prompts to prime your writing pump, and start your memories flowing.

Albert Einstein is famous for many things, including being the author of many wise words. One of his more famous quotes is:

“There are three rules of work. Out of clutter find simplicity. From discord find harmony. In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.” ~Einstein

Can you recall a time in your life when you were able to find harmony in discord?

One often associates the word harmony with music. Music is a wonderful prompter of memories. Think of a popular song from your youth or from the present times. Can you associate any memories with that song?

Have you ever sung in a choir? There’s a lot of harmony going on in a choir — and in more ways than just the melody. Experiences where people join together to do what they love often bring about close, lasting relationships. And shared moments, some happy, some poignant, some nerve-wracking, but usually group experiences are filled with life lessons. Do you have a choir story — and a life lesson — worth sharing?

When people gather together, even in informal groups, there is often a lot of singing going on. It might not be quite the harmonious singing from an organized musical group, but the lessons learned and the stories shared are no less important. Traditional songs and family favorites are passed on to young children. Older kids and families sing together spontaneously. Teenagers form bands in order to express themselves. On and on through life, we share experiences with other people with song.

Set your timer for ten minutes and compile a list — don’t give it much thought, use a speedy pen.

Keep writing — of times when music played a role in your life, any kind of role. I’ll share the beginnings of my list as an example:

Singing in the backyard while I was swinging. I was maybe 8 or 10. Tried to keep the rhythm of my singing even with my swinging. Went to a Catholic grade school – we were practicing hymns for a special concert and for weeks I sang the hymn Ave Maria while swinging. Until I saw the neighbor lady watching me through her curtained window, shaking her head in disbelief at my irreverence. I felt guilty for weeks — until I went to confession and the priest told me “God loves all kinds of singing.”

My sister, born when I was nine years old. My grandmother sang lovely German lullabies to her, ones I also wanted to sing, but I couldn’t manage the German words. I pretended instead… and insisted to my friends that I could sing in German. Then the mother of one of my friends spoke to me in fluent German. Oops!

Vacation trips with my three kids in the car for weeks at a time. As preteens and young teens, they would get out of sorts when we were heading to a far destination. We made up a game involving singing musicals — any musical counted, from Broadway to Disney. We all took turns, parents played too, or it wasn’t as much fun. Almost any singing counted. A few words and some humming. La la la’a. As long as it was recognizable. We would go ’round and ’round for hours — yes, hours — each taking a turn singing. Lots of laughing, too. Played this game for years. Still play it once in a great while. One of kids’ favorite vacation memories.

Go ahead. Set your timer and give it a try.

If the word harmony doesn’t provide you with the proper inspiration, then do as Sister Mary Gabriel did when I was in high school English class. Pull out a dictionary or other handy book. Open a page. Point to a word. Then start to write, using your dictionary word as a prompt. Ten minutes. No stopping.

You never know when mining for words will provide that perfect start-up for an addition to your Memoir Project.

Filed Under: Writing Practices Tagged With: life story, memoir writing, writing prompts