No Escape – Barrier Series # 3

This post is the third in my photo/story series on my journey of healing and recovery. See the introduction and complete series at My Healing Journey.

Barrio Brewery

No Escape © 2012 Bo Mackison

“We can spend our whole lives escaping from the monsters of our minds.” ~ Pema Chödrön

The time comes when I need a safe environment. I need protection from myself. High away – no escape, no contact. High away. Plastic windows and bars to protect those inside from themselves, and to protect those on the outside, too.

Administrators make attempts to brighten our environment – primary colored lounge furniture, pictures on the walls – but none of that offers protection from the hurried words, the rigid restrictions, the mind-numbing drugs, the incessant blare of televisions and radios.

Or the voices that only I hear.

~ based on journal entries, 1990

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The photographs that make up the Barrier Series are a set of photos that symbolically follow the story of my mental and spirit breakdown and healing process. The photos are not related to any specific places where I might have had treatment. The series metaphorically correspond to the phases I moved through during recovery, as I focused first on staying alive; second on regaining basic functions, and finally on regaining my wholeness.

This photograph represents a difficult time in that process. Unrelated events led to an awakening, necessary but brutally painful, that led me to assess the reality of my past. It was devastating. I was suicidal and extremely ill; I required in-patient psychiatric care. And although it was a difficult time for me, it was excruciatingly painful for my family, including my husband and small children.

The place I stayed is a place no one would want to stay for any length of time. And yet, I was fortunate to be in a hospital that provided me with my greatest likelihood for survival. At the time, I was not appreciative of the efforts and time my caregivers expended on my behalf. But as I look back on those years, decades ago, I am overcome with deep gratitude for these people. They worked with dedication to keep me safe and protect me until I was ready to take over that work myself. It wasn’t an easy job for any of us.

Next: Four Walls and a Bright Light

5th Annual Photo Alphabet – Part III

I is for iPhonography and Imagination

All in Green

All in Green © 2012 Bo Mackison

In just a few short years, taking photographs with a cell phone has become its own niche. iPhonography with a multitude of apps for in camera processing and post processing, can do amazing things. Photographs I never dreamed of creating can be created in just seconds. My imagination goes a bit wild when I start playing with my iPhone’s capabilities. I am less hesitant to explore and more open to the weird and unusual.

For me personally, iPhones and other smart phone cameras do not take the place of my more traditional camera gear. But my cell phone camera sure has one advantage that most other cameras do not have. It is always with me.

And the best camera in the world is the one that is with you when you want to take a photograph.

J is for Joy and Journal Writing

Road Trip - Joy Kansas

Joy, Kansas © 2012 Bo Mackison

At first glance, you might wonder what this photograph of a grain elevator taken on the wide open plains of middle America has to do with Joy and Journal Writing. But it is a real life example of the Joy I find from my daily practice of photography and journal writing.

The photo is a snippet from my travel log I wrote as I traveled across the United States. This grain elevator is in the tiny town of Joy, Kansas.  That may be important or it may not be. But it is a part of my life, a part that I took time to document. I don’t write down everything nor do I take photos of most places. But I document enough about the daily bits of my day-to-day activities.

Here’s why this brings me such Joy. When I return to the notations in my journal, re-read a passage, look through the sketches I crudely drew in the margins, find a ticket stub or a pamphlet describing a sightseeing treat, I instantly re-create memories of that time in my life. They may seem trivial, but they are moments I have lived.

And I love being able to open a journal or a set of photographs and get transported back in time. So much is so easily forgotten. The things I often read about I would never remember without these memory jogs. They may be important only to me, but that is enough. More than enough.

K is for Knowledge and Keys.

Locked Gate

Gate without a Key © 2011 Bo Mackison

I once lived for a while in a place where there were locks, but no keys.

I spent many hours of ‘most every day holed up in a corner of a library, in a room of a thousands books, but it offered none of the knowledge I sought.

Then I went out into the world, far away from what was safe, comfortable, known.

And there I found myself – uncertain yet hopeful, silent yet filled with song. And the sun warmed me and I walked the earth and I gave thanks.

L is for Labyrinth.

Garden Maze

Garden Labyrinth © 2011 Bo Mackison

Have you ever walked a labyrinth? The kind where, once you begin, you follow along, around and back, and come to the center, where you can stand awhile or continue on and finally you come out at the end which is next to the beginning, and there is no way, when you follow the lines, that you can do it wrong or get lost or bump into some one else.

There is a pace and that pace has a peace. Not at all like real life, though to me it feels exactly like real life.

M is for Meditating, Mindfulness, and the Muse.

Meditative...

Meditating…© 2012 Bo Mackison

I love this photograph. I took it while I was walking along a park in New york City, a park resurrected from an abandoned railway corridor called the High Line. Usually the park is crowded with people – walking, enjoying the art installations or sampling the food from vendors. Maybe watching a dance troupe or dancing to a jazz trio. But early on this cool June morning, with threats of rain in the forecast, the park was nearly deserted.

It was the perfect place to sit for a while, absorb the beauty of the natural plants growing amidst the tracks and seating spaces. I wasn’t the only person in the park who was doing some slow work while the city bustled around us.

Meditation, even for twenty minutes or a half hour, has become a daily part of my morning. It sets my internal thermostat at an even temperature, and helps me prepare for the rest of the day. Doing meditation coupled with a mindfulness practice during the day not only slows me down so I can get my work done, it also makes room for my muse to visit with amazing frequency.

Less pressure, more ideas, more creative energy.

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Bo Mackison is a photographer and the owner of Seeded Earth Studio LLC. Part IV of the 5th Annual Photo Alphabet continues with Nature thru Quest.

Rusted Gate

Rusty Gate

Rusted Gate © 2012 Bo Mackison

I beg you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a foreign language. Don’t search for the answers which would not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

There was a time when my whole life was a question. And I couldn’t find the answer.  And that worried me greatly. I thought it was important, as I had been taught in years of schooling, that finding the correct answer to the question was paramount to success.

It took me many years to realize that there is never only one correct answer to any question of substance. That there are many correct answers depending on who is answering the question.

And then it took me a few more years to realize that it wasn’t always necessary or even in my best interest, to answer every question. Sometimes it was better to only glimpse the answer, just as the courtyard behind the massive, woven gate in the photograph provides only a glimpse of the inner goings-on.

The gate is heavy, it may be old if one associates rust with antiquity, or it may only have been specially treated to look old. The passing of years often speaks of wisdom, of knowing the answers.

Is the gate a gate of protection? If so, the gate provides security, even as it allows a view, the flow of air, a sense of art in the simple yet artistically designed gate.

Life is not always what it seems to be. I think of a gate and anticipate it will bar my way, it will prevent me from finding answers to my questions. Instead, the gate is merely an object on my passage through my day. If I continue long enough on my journey of exploration, I just may live my way into the answers I seek.

Do you have questions you want answered quickly? Can you wait for the answers, even if it takes a lifetime?

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Bo Mackison is a photographer and the owner of Seeded Earth Studio LLC. Bo is traveling in Arizona, no longer seeking answers at this time in her life, but simply paying very close attention to the many questions she asks.

An Epic Roof Raising

The Roof is on the Ground

The Roof Rests the Ground ©2012 Bo Mackison

Epic Systems has a Roof Raising

How do you build an 11,000+ seat auditorium so that visitors and employees of Epic Systems will be able to walk on the grassy area on the top of the building? You dig a huge hole and build most of the seating area under ground level.

Construction at Epic's Deep Space

Construction at Epic’s Deep Space ©2012 Bo Mackison

But first, you construct a slightly domed roof on concrete supports at ground level, a roof that weighs nearly 10 million pounds. Then on a calm autumn morning, you assemble skilled engineers and construction workers at the site from around the world, and you crank the roof into the air, inch by inch by inch!

I checked on the progress of the roof on  Saturday morning. It was 18 inches from its original resting place.

A Roof Raising - Deep Space at Epic

The Roof is Raised © 2012 Bo Mackison

Auditorium is Aptly Named Deep Space

Twenty four hours later, the roof hovers 80 feet in the air. It will stay there as work progresses to construct the permanent struts underneath. Then the roof will be lowered about 10 feet into its permanent position.

It is hard to imagine the immensity of this auditorium, named Deep Space. It has 1/7th of the number of seats as does Lambeau Field, and its footprint equals 13 football fields. There is still a lot of work to be done, but its completion date is estimated to be less than a year from now.

Beautiful sunny weather and almost no wind provided a perfect setting for the lift. And the roof raising went according to plans. What a lot of work and effort and detailed planning. Wow!

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Bo Mackison is a photographer and the owner of Seeded Earth Studio LLC.  She has always been fascinated by architecture. How thrilling it was to watch this roof raising!

Finding Sunlight in the Shadows

Harold Washington Library

Harold Washington Library © 2012 Bo Mackison

When I was in Chicago last week, I remembered an old feeling – the feeling of being surrounded by shadow. When I first moved to Chicago, I missed the feeling the sunlight on my face. I was a young twenty-something, plunked from the cornfields and small towns of western Illinois, and transplanted into the skyscraper land of Chicago. I don’t think I ever got over the feeling of shadows on my shoulders while I lived in the midst of the tall buildings of downtown Chicago.

I do remember I spent as much time as possible walking the eastern border of Chicago, the visually endless waters of Lake Michigan. I was saved from the shock of transplanting, soothed  by the lapping of the waves of the Great Lake.

When I returned to Chicago, and stayed in the South Loop, I once again had the “shadows on my shoulders” feeling. Except for midday, I walked in the shadows of the skyscrapers and tall buildings.But this time around, I knew where to walk to capture the sunlight.

Eagle in Seed Pods - Ornament on Roof of Harold Washington Library, Chicago Illinois

Eagle in Seed Pods ©2012 Bo Mackison

One of the most prominent buildings, the Harold Washington Library, wasn’t around when I called Chicago home. Set firmly on an entire large square block, its roof decor always seemed to capture abundant sunlight. I enjoyed the feel of the sunlight as it highlighted the features on the roof of this massive building.

The library opened in 1991. and is the largest public library building in the world. In 1993, seven large copper ornaments were added to the roof  – one at each corner and one in the center of the building facing State Street, Congress Avenue, and Van Buren Street.

These ornaments represent seed heads, symbolic of the natural bounty of the Midwest. I’m quite certain that the ornaments would not have been enough to sooth the soul of a transplanted young woman with country roots if they had been around in the mid-70s, but they are a distinctive landmark in the current Chicago landscape.

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Bo Mackison is a photographer and the owner of Seeded Earth Studio LLC. She photographed a few Chicago cityscapes while attending the Filter Photo Festival last week.