Looking at the Details © 2014 Bo Mackison
“Life on earth is a whole, yet it expresses itself in unique time-bound bodies, microscopic or visible, plant or animal, extinct or living. So there can be no one place to be. There can be no one way to be, no one way to practice, no one way to learn, no one way to love, no one way to grow or to heal, no one way to live, no one way to feel, no one thing to know or be known. The particulars count.”
~ Jon Kabat-Zinn
Walled In © 2014 Bo Mackison
Gaze beyond the walls; behold the sky eternal. What discoveries await? ~ Bo Mackison
Copper Light © 2014 Bo Mackison
“Whatever you are physically…male or female, strong or weak, ill or healthy–all those things matter less than what your heart contains. If you have the soul of a warrior, you are a warrior. All those other things, they are the glass that contains the lamp, but you are the light inside.” ~ Cassandra Clare
On a visit to White Sands National Monument in southern New Mexico, I photographed a lot of white sand landscapes. I also photographed the architectural details in the Visitor Center complex, a set of adobe buildings built in the 1930s.
I was fascinated by the adobe windows and the copper lighting fixtures. And I was doubly thrilled to photograph the window and the light with several glass snowflakes sparkling in the shadow and the light.
Loved the light — the light from the window combined with the light from the vintage copper fixture. It was a happy moment, the snowflakes, the glitter, the delicate shadows.
This post is the third in my photo/story series on my journey of healing and recovery. See the introduction and complete series at My Healing Journey.
No Escape © 2012 Bo Mackison
“We can spend our whole lives escaping from the monsters of our minds.” ~ Pema Chödrön
The time comes when I need a safe environment. I need protection from myself. High away – no escape, no contact. High away. Plastic windows and bars to protect those inside from themselves, and to protect those on the outside, too.
Administrators make attempts to brighten our environment – primary colored lounge furniture, pictures on the walls – but none of that offers protection from the hurried words, the rigid restrictions, the mind-numbing drugs, the incessant blare of televisions and radios.
Or the voices that only I hear.
~ based on journal entries, 1990
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The photographs that make up the Barrier Series are a set of photos that symbolically follow the story of my mental and spirit breakdown and healing process. The photos are not related to any specific places where I might have had treatment. The series metaphorically correspond to the phases I moved through during recovery, as I focused first on staying alive; second on regaining basic functions, and finally on regaining my wholeness.
This photograph represents a difficult time in that process. Unrelated events led to an awakening, necessary but brutally painful, that led me to assess the reality of my past. It was devastating. I was suicidal and extremely ill; I required in-patient psychiatric care. And although it was a difficult time for me, it was excruciatingly painful for my family, including my husband and small children.
The place I stayed is a place no one would want to stay for any length of time. And yet, I was fortunate to be in a hospital that provided me with my greatest likelihood for survival. At the time, I was not appreciative of the efforts and time my caregivers expended on my behalf. But as I look back on those years, decades ago, I am overcome with deep gratitude for these people. They worked with dedication to keep me safe and protect me until I was ready to take over that work myself. It wasn’t an easy job for any of us.
Threatened © 2011 Bo Mackison
Let go of the need for perfection – perfection bought at a high cost. Embrace imperfection, acknowledge mistakes, claim the lessons they provide. Embrace change. ~ Bo Mackison
I’ve had an on and off affair with the label “mental illness” — a label that defined me for many years.
I hated it; I needed it.
I pushed it away; I pulled it close.
That label deprived me of the basic experiences of choosing life and living it fully; it also allowed me to abdicate taking full responsibility for my life and the choices I made.
Behaviors, lived over years, became habits. They settled deep within me:
Defenses and behaviors I erected as walls of protection were no longer functional, viable, needed, wanted. Yet, it was what I understood.
I had to let go so I could grab onto a better way. Caught in the pause between the two trapeze bars, I was dangling in a mighty discomfiting place.
Eventually I understood that letting go of the behaviors that mark even a functional mental illness would grace me with freedoms I wanted, but hadn’t fully experienced:
I worked for years to repair my body and mind; I worked even harder to repair my spirit.
Living under the shadow of the statement “I had a mental breakdown” provides a certain cover. Even after the initial stages, after in depth therapy spanning two decades, and after reclaiming a life of wholeness, doubt lingers and unwelcome questions pop up.
There is the voice that harbors deep in my sub-conscience, occasionally breaking through to my awareness. It questions my actions, my motives, my plans, my challenges, my courage, my decisions, my art, my life. It questions my EVERYTHING.
I must then re-affirm my strength, stand on firm ground, and repeat:
It is hard, excruciatingly so as times. It is necessary. It is the only way.
Because as long as I blamed the past for mistakes I made in the present, as long as I didn’t acknowledge the mistakes and accept them for what they were, I did not learn the lessons. I had an excuse to push away change and healing.
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Why am I writing about this? Because during the years I focused on creating photography for public display, photographs for art shows and festivals, photographs for art centers and museum shows. I also created photography and other art as a process for healing.
Creative activities are healing. I use art and nature as components of my healing practice. I want to share my art and my story with you, my dear readers.
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Bo Mackison is a photographer and owner of Seeded Earth Studio LLC. This is the first photograph in a series of twelve.
